Eugene – Starting from scratch…

So I got that apartment next to the Butte that I was hoping for. I was getting frustrated with the process and was just about give up and just buy a house, as it's seemed that would be easer then trying to rent one. Fortunately that didn’t happen. I really wanted to rent for a while so that I could check out the neighborhoods and learn all about the town before I picking a house. The apartment is fine, functional, with more room that this ex-homless man needs but the locations, ah the location, it’s incredible, more wonderful that I could have ever imagined. I’m right next to the river, have a park in front and a park in back. The one in front is so peaceful and beautiful that lovers come to it in droves, people sleep in it, some homeless, walkers walk, balders balde, bikers bike and picnickers picnic. The park in back is wild beautiful and high. I can go rollerblading (great blading) straight out the door from my place. There are wonderful bike paths that run along both sides of the river. I saw some great graffiti yesterday under a bridge that declared: “I love mom!”  That has to be a unusual nice place.  Another on a railing in the park: “om mani padme hum”. It says a lot about this place that it has such graffiti me thinks. I live just a couple of blocks from lots of great restaurants, 2 movie theaters (two are art theaters), a great music theater (saw Lucinda Williams last Friday) and much, much more. I’ve been blading a lot and biking every day. Life is good!

So I have a home now even thought it’s just an apartment and temporary in nature, it’s my home for now and what else do we have but the now. Because it was so much work disassembling my previous live, getting rid of most of my things, I’m taking my time and carefully considering each and every addition to my new casa. I bought two futons, one to sleep on and one to serve as a living room couch. Futons are great; they’re so vestal and cheep. I got them for both on Craig’s list for $120 each, what a deal! It so nice to be sleeping on something other than the ground.  I’m keeping my life simple and paired down to the absolute necessities.

What I’ve discovered is the absolute truth about the old real estate saying; “location, location, location”. I really like Eugene, now I can take my time to carefully study the topography of the city so that I can make a fully informed purchase when I start shopping for a house.

Eugene – Hotel living and searching….

I’ve been ensconced in an economy hotel for the past week. It’s definitely a step up from sleeping on the ground or in the front seat of my van but still it’s not comfortable. I’ve got a nice little efficiency unit that not too expensive but still a bit weird. I feel like I’m living with the fading dreams and energy of all the hundreds of people who’ve passed through this room, cooked in the kitchen, slept in the bed, cried, made love, contemplated the end, gazed at the TV, shat in the crapper and took a shower, before me. Liki I said, the place feels a bit weird.

I’ve also got all this weird, unsettled energy going on inside of me. I’m usually pretty grounded and steady. I take it as a sign that some important and hopefully good changes are taking place on a fundamental level. One thing that been happing is that I’ve been highly emotional lately. Slight, unexpected things have been setting me off. Last night I had all this crazy energy. Usually I’m an early to bed and early riser but not last night. I was up past midnight, just couldn’t shut down. When I did finally sleep it was with lots of lucid and semi lucid dreams. Then I was up at 7:00 feeling a little buzzed but no worse for wear.

Eugene seems like a way cool place, beautiful, funky, down to earth, healthy and real. It's unfortunate that my arrival and subsequent apartment shopping happened to coincide that of about 20,000 U of O students. There's been a feeding frenzy on open rental units. The landlords typically have mass showing where several hopeful prospective tenets and their friends ogle the place. There are also lot of adds that want you to pay an application fee up-front with no grantee of getting the place.  

As I’ve been driving around looking at apartments and checking out the city I’ve noticed the large homeless population of Eugene. Folks that are sleeping in parks, under bridges and carry all their meager possessions with them. My heart goes out to them. Having a car, especially a van greatly facilitates being homeless. I wonder how they feel about their situation. Is it ultimate freedom or and immense burden? I imagine there are as many answers to that question as there are homeless.

I looked at a nice apartment a couple of days ago that I'm hoping to secure tonight. My fingers are crossed. It’s right next to the river and Skinner Butte, which is a beautiful little hill top park on the edge of town. There is another park in front of the apartment and it a stone toss from a senior center that I heard had some cool programs. I checked that out today and the programs do seem interesting but it felt a bit weird talking to the staff there about “enrolling” in a senior program. The reality of my own ageing hit me in the face like a cold slap in the face. I’d don’t feel like a “senior”. That’s probably part denial and part me energy level, it feel way up. Last week took a long bike ride through Vermont and the week before I went rock climbing. Well, as Popeye was fond of saying; “I yam what I yam” or as my beloved yoga teacher use to say; “soham, soham” (I am that).

Eugene OR – Blast Across America

So, I packed everything I own into my little van and headed for Eugene. The van was completely filled, even the passenger’s seat, with all my stuff. That included: my clothing, my tools, a tent, two sleeping bags, crampons, ice ax, about 800’ of climbing rope, one kayak, cross country skis, snow shows, a folding bike, one kite, two boxes of books, my Mac laptop, a cooler, two nice pieces of teak lumber, a shovel, an ax and a machete, one oil painting and an Ansel Adans silver print of Half Dome. The poor van was noticeably lower to the ground once packed, I only hope that the wheels will stay on.

It was a wild ride, I’m still buzzing from the experience. The weather was epically cooperative. With the excepton of about 45 minutes of nastiness in Nebraska, I couldn’t have asked for any better.

I entered the road like it was a river and didn’t come out till I reached the other side. I started the trip at 9:30am in Connecticut and arrived in Eugene at 12:30 (EST) on Friday (last night). That’s driving just over three thousand miles in just under three days, a very strange and wonderful trip indeed.

I wasn’t on the road more that five minutes when tears began streaming down my face. Tears of joy, sadness and release. I’d waited so long to start this trip and now it was finally here. The cathartic release was welcome, wonderful and overdue.

Once on the road I quickly fell into the driving grove. The Northeast passed by in a blur of familiarity. Pennsylvania was much greener and wooded that I had expected. Huge forests populated by smallish trees. I arrived in Ohio almost before I knew it. I didn’t even know that I was in Indiana until it was over. Illinois, you can have it. Iowa was a welcome relief from the urban madness of Illinois. I saw my first triple semi, I didn’t even know they existed. Iowa was all about cornfields, combines and silos.

From Nebraska on the trip just got better and better. Nebraska is amazing, why didn’t anyone ever mention this to me before? Graceful and stately wind farms in fields of corn and sunflowers too, then the prairies that seem on go on forever. I almost went into Colorado but I-80 just grazes the top of the that state without ever actually entering. In Wyoming I chased the sunset over the vastness of the land for and incredible three hours. Then, when full darkness finally fell there was a thunderstorm way ahead of me that continued to produce heavenly pyrotechnics. Utah, I can never seem to get enough of that state. The very northern end of it has it’s own special kind of beauty. Idaho, scenery wise, was the only let down west of Nebraska.

Finally the drive across Oregon was truly amazing. It starts off in the high desert with it’s own sparse beauty and the goes wild after that. It was an amazingly vast open track of land with no billboards, buildings, power-lines or cell towers, just miles and miles of trackless land. Then I came to the valley that provided a hair-raising and beautiful decent into central Oregon. The highway (two lane back top) follows a meandering river with many beautiful vistas and an equal number of precipitous drop-offs. They didn’t waste much money on guardrails, which is great for view but gave me a serious case of the willies as I focused hard to keep all four wheels on the backtop. Driving an over-loaded minivan definitely added to that challenge.

After all that I’ve heard about it, the town of Bend didn’t do much for me. On the other hand, the Deschutes and Willamette national forests knocked my socks off. I stopped amongst the huge pines at one point and was stunned by the ancient silence of the place. Then I wondered; hay what happened to my shocks? At that point I hadn’t even seen the ancient lava flow, the biggest I’ve never seen. I was stunned by the contrast between the living, virulent forest and primordial rock-flow.  Tears of joy came and started streaming down my face. It seemed like I could feel my past life coming apart molecule by molecule. I was hoping for something completely new and wonderful, I didn’t expect find it on the very first day.

I was again surprised to discover that the trip had one more delight in store for me before it was over; the trip down the McKenzie river valley. At that point I’d used up all my superlatives so I just sad yowza and then pulled over to try to pop my eyes back into their sockets.

Once in town I quickly found a motel and turned off the car. At that point I had been driving 18 hours straight; my ears were ringing and my body vibrating so much that I thought the car must still be running after I turned it off.

So here I am and what lies before me seems daunting; the construction of a whole new life for myself. A life after Susan, a life after all that sailing, a life after my long career. Where to start? First I’ve got to find a place to live, I need a home.

Columbia CT – Packing for Oregon

I’m back in Connecticut with mixed feelings. On one hand I’m very excited to be heading out west, on the other hand I’m sad about leaving friends behind. I’ll just have to being them along in my hart. That’s the best I can do.

It’s occurred to me that my journey is a bit like the one the pioneers made 200 years ago when they loaded up there Conestoga wagons and headed into the unknown. That's what I’ll be doing; loading everything I own in my modern Conestoga (mini van) and hitting the long road to Oregon. So the question of the day is: Will all my possessions will fit in a mini van? That’s easy, the answer is YES, because if it doesn’t fit, it wont be mine any longer. I’ll let go of it. I like the simplicity of that and I’m all about simplicity these days.

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.

Don’t go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.

Don’t go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill where the two world’s touch.

Don’t go back to sleep.

Rumi

I picked up a cold while I was in Vermont. Most people just get the maple syrup but I got a bit more than that. The result was mad, fever dreams full of birds, bats, trees, old houses and an ex-girlfriend. I woke up with an uncomfortable feeling; could I pulling a geographic? I had to think about that for a while but the answer came back a firm NO. Every thing is cool in CT, I’ve got two very good job offers if I wanted to work and friends that I’ll miss. I’ve nothing to run away from but lots to gain. I’m actually running towards something; my future, the great Northwest and a very cool town. 

I got a note from Susan last night. She said that she was just “checking in” and talked about her potato salad, how she use to make it for us on the boat. I just don’t get that woman, what did she think? That I’d get all nostalgic about a starchy, mayonnaise concoction and forgot about how shitty she treated me. I’m happier when I don’t hear from her. Time, please work you cure…

Poultney Vermont – A little bit if heaven

I’ve landed in Vermont and it’s seems like a little bit of heaven. I’m tenting in my longtime buddy Al’s backyard. He got a beautiful place in a small town near the New York boarder.

It’s quite lovely here; cool (high 70s and low 80s), lush and green, a very welcome change from the intense heat of North Carolina and Central America from my recent travels. We been dinking mojitos, enjoying his hot tub, swapping stories, talking photography, hiking and more. Al and his wife Angele are incredibly good hosts making this homeless guy feel quite at home. It’s so nice here that I’ve given some thought to settling in Vermont, not in my good friends back yard as tempting at that seems, but in the area. But I don’t have to think too long on it, as beautiful as it is right now, I know that winters hear are just too dame could.

I had a good two week stay in Connecticut camping in my ex-wife’s back yard. While I was there I replaced rotten clapboards on her house and built an “L” shaped bench for her deck.

I hooked up with my good friend John for some climbing. That was a double bonus; seeing John and getting back on the rock. I also got my tooth fixed. It had broken four months ago when I was in the Bahamas and didn’t want to explore third world dentistry so it went untreated. There was also plenty of alone time that gave me space to decompress form the breakup with Susan. At the time of our breakup I blocked the pain in the interest of emotional self-preservation and survival. There is a sadness deep down inside that I know needs to come out but I don’t think I’m strong enough for that right now. I had to get away from Susan to a safe place to start healing. I’m on that road now but it will no doubt take a while. This place and my friends are helping me get closer to a place where I can heal.

Al took me to a private nature sanctuary that he’d discovered and it was amazing; deep woods, wide meadows, cliff top vistas and even a Japanese garden. We walked and talked but mostly we soaked up the wonder and natural goodness of the place.

The Buddhist have a saying; “Every snowflake lands in exactly the right place.” I can feel the truth of that saying in every cell of my body. As I move forward on this journey I’m making an effort to pay attention to the context as much at the content of my travels and I find the interplay between the two has been fascinating; the snowflake and it surroundings.

Columbia CT – Finally

We finally finished up with Gypsy and then drove that long road back to Connecticut. The last week on the boat and the ride home with Susan was painful. She seemed to feel the need to get in her last digs to make me as miserable as possible. At least that's over with now. I dropped her off at her friends place in New Haven.  I've never been happier to see a woman go.  

I’m staying with my ex-wife for a couple of weeks.  Although we've been divorced for seven years we've remained a good friends.   I'm camped on the edge of her woods, right next to a babbling brook in a yard that is at times filled with hounds. How cool is that?

I started sorting my stuff today. I’d plan to drive cross-country and want to be able to sleep in the back of the van but right now I’ve got too much “stuff” for that to be possible. I could ship some of it but I like the challenge of reducing and reducing. Sorting my stuff is synonymous to sorting myself, which feels like a very good thing to do. As I went through my accumulated things I realized how contextual stuff is. A large portion of what I have, made sense on a boat but doesn’t apply to land living. I had a box full of epoxy and fiberglass, don’t need that. I also had several boxes of food from the boat, which I won’t be using as most of it requires cooking. I’m going to try to eat only things that don't need to be cooked. That will simplify cooking and if I do it right, eating mostly salads and cold granola & yogurt, it should be a healthy diet.

I was thinking about homes and what constitutes a “home”; what are the important elements. It’s an interesting thing to consider from the place that I’m at, technically homeless but not really. I have a temporary home now, my little tent at the edge of the woods. It’s dry, safe and private, three very important attributes for a good home. Those are the foundational attributes, after that comes a comfortable climate, community and a stimulating location. Those I hope to find in Oregon.

Beaufort NC - Hard dharma

Susan and I continue or work of transforming Gypsy from a hard working passage maker into a showpiece. Cleaning, compounding, waxing, painting, fixing and emptying. It’s a daunting task. Besides the work it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster ride as Susan goes through emotional highs and lows. When she up, she’s on top of the world and I’m tolerably beneath her, when down, she’s in the dumps and I’m a detested shit. They say that hell has no furry like a woman scorned and in this case, I have to agree.

I’m trying to learn from this experience. As I work I’ve been trying to figure out what went so wrong with us. Red flags were ignored; compulsive behavior, little untruths, all the Xs in her life; x-boyfriends, x-husbands, x-fathers of her kids, her dropping out of yoga teacher training half way through the program, her spotty work employment history and then loosing her last job.

As I think about Susan, it’s surprising to me how much I don’t know about this woman who I’ve lived with for the past year and know for the past four. When I first met her she was so considerate and generous that she made me uncomfortable. As the relationship continued she progressively became more and more self-centered and inconsiderate. A few days ago, after being quite contrary and disagreeable she announced; “this is the real Susan.” I told her that I was confused, and asked who that other woman was? That really set her off. She asked me from a high place of vengeance if I was accusing her of being false. I said no, that I was just trying to understand what she was saying but she went into full on indignant mode. Who was I to accuse her of falseness. So it goes, cycle after cycle. I just want it to be over and it will end, that’s what I keep reminding myself. “This too shall pass.”

All the big jobs on the boat have been done; the rudder, sanding the bottom, compounding and waxing the hull. It should be all down hill from here and that could be part of what is setting Susan of, the prospect of the final end to us. I try to remember that she suffering too but it’s hard to keep that in mind while she’s busy punishing me. The good news is that there the light at the end of this dark tunnel is bright and colorful; visiting with friends in Connecticut and Vermont that I haven’t seen in almost a year, the road trip I’m planning to take out west and then the exploration of Oregon with the intent to settle. I’ve never been to the Pacific Northwest. Oregon is supposed to be an amazing place in a lot of great ways and should be an excellent spot to explore the rest of the region from. And for now my mantra is; one more week, one more week, one more week…

Beaufort NC – Looking at homelessness

I’ve got a home (my boat) for a little while, perhaps for another two or three weeks and then I’ll be homeless. I never imagined I’d ever be a homeless person but here it comes. I’m in a good place for this experience and I’m actually looking forward to it. That may sound odd but it’s true. I sold my house and got rid of most of my possessions in order to go cruising and that in itself proved to be one of the most powerful experiences of the whole journey. By that act of reduction I came to understand that “things” own you just as much as you own them. There is freedom to be gained by reducing one’s possessions. The declaration that “less is more” has never seemed truer to me.

I plan to move my stuff into my mini van, visit some friends in New England and then hit the road in search of a new home. But before I settle down I want to fully explore and experience the place called “homeless”. I sense that this might be a unique and powerful growth opportunity for me and I hope to make the most of it.

In the mean time I’m enjoying this transitory place I’m currently in: a dry storage marina in Beaufort NC. It’s beautiful here. The above photo was taken of the ICW (Intracoastal Waterway) from my back yard, just 200’ from were Gypsy is parked. And there are wild ponies on Carrot Island, just across the creek from downtown Beaufort. The folks around here are wonderfully warm and friendly. I hope I can pick up some of that southern charm to warm up my native yankee coolness.

Things have calmed down with Susan and that’s a much-welcomed improvement. She’s been a pretty harsh lately, carrying on like a scorned woman. The relationship is over, I fully accept at least half for the responsibility for its demise. I’m not interested in deciding who was right, who was wrong and picking the moral winner. Last week we talked and agreed that it’s to our mutual benefit to separate and go our different ways. That’s good enough for me but still it seems that Susan had some anger to work out. Yesterday I’d had enough. We had a hart-to-hert. I reminded her that we weren’t in high school. I told her that if she couldn’t stop punishing me I was going to leave immediately. That we could have the yard finish the work that needs to be done on Gypsy. She thought about it and decided to try to work with me in a civil way. So far she’s doing a good job of it.  It’s hard living and working with a hostile person. I hope we can keep this up till we're done, it will be a lot easer for both of us if we can. I think that endings are just as important as beginnings and want ours to be as good as possible. In fact there is no reason, given the right prospective, that it couldn't be beautiful except for out own limitations.

E - Beaufort NC – The ashes

It’s hot, damn hot (over 100 degrees) , humid too and I’ve been digging a hole in a gravel parking lot.  Why? Well, there in lies the story. You see I’m looking for a home. I’ve got one now, a boat but it’s going on the market and soon I’ll be homeless. Until them I’m occupying that boat with my ex-girlfriend in the sunny southern summertime and yes, it is hot; both physically and psychologically. So why am I doing this? To get to the other side.

Let me back up a bit to give you some background on my current situation. Eleven months ago I retired after 29 years in the aerospace industry. Ten months ago I moved aboard a sailboat that I jointly owned with my girlfriend. Nine months ago we departed Mystic CT for the Caribbean.  Our first passage was to Bermuda and that was a tough one; two 50kt gales in five days. Our vessel and her crew did well, especially compared to other boats that made the passage at the same time we did.  We felt like we had passed a hard test, which we did but what I didn’t realize at the time was that there were other threats more pervasive and ultimately more damaging than severe wind and water.  We only lasted 9 months, 5,000 miles, but what an amazing 9 months that was. It’s over now except for selling the boat and going our separate ways.

It’s not the intent of this blog to rehash that trip. (you can click here if you’re interested in seeing the blog of that journey) I mention it for two reasons; first because it explains how I arrived at this unique place in my life and second because there is some gross relevance with the previous trip and the one that I am soon to embark on. The relevance is that both journeys encompassed a search for a new home. I was hoping that we might find some unique, wonderful place to live. I didn’t find that place. What I did discover is a newfound love for my country of origin, America and an appreciation for all the folks that make up our country. When I left I was feeling fed-up with the endless succession of wars, state sanctioned torture, materialism, commercialism, consumerism, a self-serving political system and all of “us” who elected the politicians that were propagating that unsavory system. Now, after visiting several other countries, I realize all the good that we have here in the USA.  We’ve not perfect for sure and actually have a lot of work to do repairing our home. But I've come to the obvious realization that America is my county. Good or bad, it’s a huge part of me even though I’m just a small part of it. So this is were I’m starting my new search for my home, right back were I started from, but wiser – yes.

Back to the hole – my ex-grilfriend and I are getting the boat ready to sell. One of things I need to do is replace the rudder bearings. In order to do that I’ve got to “drop the rudder” and need a hole in the ground to provide enough clearance to remove the beast. Also on the to-do list is; sand and paint the bottom, a little engine work, clean and wax the hull, some minor electrical work and then sand and varnish some of the teak. Not too long of a list but it’s tough going with the emotional tension that has been building up like a summer thunderstorm. I pulled Susan aside today and asked her, in so many words, to back off the head games. It wasn’t an easy conversation but I think she heard me. Time will tell if we can see this through to the end in a civil manner. I hope we can…